“You home?” -scariest text you can get.

F.Y.I. don’t chest bump the elderly.

I’m not fat.
I’m just easy to see.

I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

At my age rolling out of bed is easy in the morning.
Getting up off the floor is another story.

I‘d call my fashion style “clothes that still fit.”.

I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.

I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.

Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.

I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

I used to think that air was free until I opened this bag of potato chips.

Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.

I can’t figure out if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

Mirrors don’t lie.
And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.

This hotel has a complimentary turn down service. So did my ex-wife.

When life throws me a curveball, I try to duck so it hits someone else.
Here’s the thing, you will never ever feel like a grown up. You will one day though, feel old.

I like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.

A court date is still technically a date, right?

My doctor said I should eat better.
I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.

We can do this the hard way, or we can make it impossible. I’m sorry. Those seem to be the only two choices.

A UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

No one an afford me, I’m very high maintenance. No, seriously, at my age the medical bills to keep me going are astronomical.

I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Courtesy of Chiriqui Chatter